Diazepam Kind of Day

I'm an empath.  I feel things.  Good and bad... I just feel.  All the time.

Sometimes this is wonderful because I can tell what a person is thinking by how they are feeling.  I become their feelings, both physical and emotional.  If you are tired, I am tired.  If you are cranky, I am cranky.  If your neck is sore, my neck is sore.... ad infinitum...  I understand better your point of view, because I am feeling your feelings.  On the other hand, this is horrid.  If you are terrified, I am terrified (and I don't know why).  If you are having excruciating knee pain, so am I... only I don't know why.  If you feel the loss of a loved one, so do I... only I don't know who I'm missing or why.

That's where it gets tricky.  I have friends that say that I overthink things all the time.  And, well... I do.  It 's my Libra nature to do that.  However, I have to overthink things in order to decide whether the thoughts and feelings belong to me or someone else.  I used to do protective visualizations.  They used to work. Now, I've made some life decisions that are spinning my world out of control, and I no longer have a handle on it.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I am subject to random bursts of crying interspersed with rage, or melancholy, or ankle pain, or migraine, or toothache, then maybe lust or longing.  It can be outrageous.  Trying to keep it in check is nearly impossible.  I try to live a positive life.  I try to take good care of myself so that I can take care of others.  But, it's hard to do.  Especially when these feelings are not your own.  I can usually recognize whether they belong to me or not fairly quickly.  This, thank gods, is a good thing.  Sadly, however, that doesn't make them go away.  I still have to feel them until I can take time to make them go away.  I'm kinda like a psychic energy trash can.  I wander around absorbing and collecting all these peoples' feelings... all this chaotic energy... and I have a hard time grounding and centering myself.

Today was one of those days.  To be honest, it started yesterday afternoon.  I am missing someone.  HORRIBLY.  Now, I realize that this is my feeling.  I own it.  I reviewed thoughts, circumstances, situations, and have decided that this, in fact, belongs to me.  The problem with that is I also feel abandoned, let down, terrified, anxious, angry, and torn (nevermind the physical symptoms.) These, are NOT my feelings.  I have no reason to feel any of these emotions, but my missing someone attracted these feelings to me, and amplifies them.  I can hazard a guess about to whom these feelings correspond, but I cannot simply make them "go away." 

I am not fond of my job, but I can live with it.  My schedule is so pressurized this year that sometimes when I come home and take a shower, I can hear an audible sizzle when the water hits me.  This can lead to what I refer to as, very bad things happening.

I want... no.  Strike that. I NEED to regain control over my life.  I NEED to relax on my own.  Meditate. Fast. Center. Ground.  Last month, I sprained my back while painting my new room.  Sometimes bedroom, changing room, plant room, reading room, meditation room... the doctor game me Valium as a muscle relaxant.  I like it.  It is helping me to get to a point where I recognize the need to center and regain control.  I hate taking it. I quarter the little 5mg pills and use them to keep the edge off.  To be brutally honest, I use them to keep my job.  Over a year ago, I had a spiritual awakening.  I became a completely different person.  Some hated her.  They felt threatened.  I loved her.  Somehow, I've lost her on the way.  I have tried to minister to others with an empty cup.  I've not taken enough time to renew my own spirit before trying to help others renew theirs.

I spent my summer driving.  A task that I usually relish.  More precisely, I relish driving alone.  I spent my summer driving with others.  No real time for introspection there...  Autumn is the beginning of the dark times.  The times of inward turns and introspection, hibernation, and growth.  This is all so that when spring arrives, we can emerge strong, positive, and beautiful, from our cocoons and be of service to others!  I love the fall, and I love the spring!  I just pray to the gods of mercy that the dark times won't last too long.  I've not had much time to minister and help.  No time to be of service to others in a way that is mutually beneficial.  I have over-given of myself.  Now, I have to focus all the energies I have left on quiet, grounding, stillness. Concentrate on things that will heal my own soul so that I'll once again be capable of ministering to the needs of others.  Try not to provoke those feelings of selfishness (because that is what my family and friends truly think this is) by others or myself.  Refuse to let guilt keep me away from my own spiritual needs.

I truly want to be that amazing being that the person I'm missing believes and says I am!  I can't do it with shreds and leftovers...  time to start from the beginning, yet again.  Time to use the introspection to guide myself in fulfilling my own needs instead of deciphering the feelings of others. I need to protect myself.  I need to accept myself.  I need to love myself.  I need to believe in myself. I need to be myself.  Gods and Diazepam help me!