What It's Like to Be Me- Today...

I'm an empath.  I'm sure you already know that.  But, I'm not sure you know what it's like to BE an empath. To be empathetic is one thing.  To be an empath is entirely another.

Let me give you an example.  Today there was a funeral.  Not just any funeral, but the funeral of a friend. Spouse was friends with the deceased, I am friends with the deceased's wife... I spoke to her yesterday when she called me and assured her that I would, in fact, be there.

I was not.

Anxiety is one of the key signs of being an empath.  We'll get anxious about so many things... even when we do't know what they are or why we feel them... we'll feel sad.  We'll get upset for seemingly no reason.  Or maybe our hyper-sensitive selves will pick up on a far-away friend's feelings. You never know... at least I don't.  I've tried to hone those skills... but to no avail.  The best I can do is know who is calling before I look at the caller ID.

So, today is a funeral.  Coming on the heels of a New Moon, of personal issues, and the Dark Times. (That's what I call them, anyway- when the days get shorter and the time for introspection gets longer.) When the veil between worlds thins. I feel everything as if it's happening to me. So, imagine a crowd situation... especially when the crowd is coming to mourn the soul of a very well-beloved man... I feel everyone's feelings.  All at once.

I can do some protective visualizations, and don't think that I haven't.  I have done so very many, but when that many people come to celebrate the life of a man, I get overwhelmed.  So, I  took the day off work (had AM appointments) and knew I'd need the rest of the day to cope. (I've never been to a funeral since I moved here 11 years ago.) I got in the car pulled out of my development onto the highway and was fine until about six minutes into the ride. Then I lost it.

I was overwhelmed... overwhelmed with grief, anxiety, uncertainty... Then the bottom fell out. The feelings that weren't mine.... the grief and assorted feelings that were not my own, mingled with the ones that I was harbouring... Primarily, Haiti's devastation and Hurricane Matthew. My failed marriage. My dating situation. The possibility of being alone forever.  The man I love and the situation I'm in with him...  My job, my friends, and the prospect of changing jobs and moving house from the area.  The kids leaving home, and all those little things that get in the way of life's joy.

See... many times, when you have empathic feelings, and you are internally feeling the opposite (today, I'm happy-  but empathically, I'm angry) you can recognize and fight those feelings.  But when you're having a kind of down day, and those feelings are in line with the frequency of the feelings you're picking up, they combine to overwhelm you.  To the point you cannot do those things that you really need to do...like go to funerals and support people that you love.  Sometimes you can't even get out of bed.

If I was to attempt to go to the funeral with all those (literally) hundreds of other people, I would most likely have ended up in a bad situation. One that I don't care to discuss publicly. Fortunately, I have a good support system of both family, and a few friends (Thanks, Steve 💙) that held my hand until the rocking, crying, and overwhelming need to self-medicate subsided.

But, you see, I'll still never get back the moment of hugging my friend in condolence. I'll never get to see her spouse that last time, and offer up my prayer to the universe for his eternal energy to hear. I'll never feel that I've done anything less than fail at my responsibility in life, which is to serve and to help heal others.  And that's the rub.  While my brain knows that I've done all I could possibly do, my heart will always be disappointed in myself for not trying harder. Empaths are their own worst critics in that respect.

I almost videoed myself in breakdown so that you can see that the pain and anxiety and fear are really things.  They are not invisible.  They exist, and oftentimes are debilitating... but the vain side of me didn't want you to see that. That the rocking, inconsolable sobs, and soul-crushing agony are ours, too... even if the event hasn't happened to us, personally.  I also didn't want to frighten you, as that is the most common descriptor that I hear.  I am fine.  As I always am.  It just takes a while.

I'm certain these ramblings probably don't even make sense, but I'm sharing them anyway.  I tried painting today to help formulate and control my thoughts... to try and guide my anxiety into a healthy outlet. But my brain just screamed "WRITE!"  So, today, I wrote.

Just know...  if I have ever told you that I care for you, I do on the deepest level humanly possible. Even if I don't act like it. Sometimes, things just get in the way of me showing it... Things, over which, I have no control.  I'm not ignoring you.  And even if I don't behave like it, I do care. ❤

I believe in empathy.  I believe in healing.  And I believe that we all have gifts to share with others.... that's what makes this world such a magickal place. So, even if you don't understand it (or me) Please.... Hold On To What You Believe....   I love you.  Always♡

Listen:

Hold On to What You Believe- Mumford & Sons