The Conditioning Words of Control

As I get older, I feel the need to write things down.  Now, I'm not talking about the myriad lists floating around in everyone's head.  I mean things that have happened.  Things that I think about.  Things I need to process.

I am one of those people that seem to have the inability to achieve any type of homeostasis without a pen or keyboard in my hand.  I have lived through some of the toughest challenges I've ever had to face these past 10 months, and it was with the beginnings of those challenges, and the beginning of that relationship that I stopped writing. Everywhere. About everything.

Long story short: I had a relationship with devastating consequences to many people.  What most people failed to realize is that I was the one that had to suffer the vast majority of those consequences.  Most of them chose to see me as the aggressor or the dealer of said consequences.  I was not.  Now... that being said, I totally own up to my side of the situation.  I was a part of it.  I made a conscious choice to continue the relationship, regardless of the damage I knew it would do. And I did it all  for the wrong reasons.  I had been conned. Duped. Flim-flammed. I had been played. The fact that I was taken advantage of so very deeply was more humiliating to me than any questionable whispers or cold, hard stares could ever be.  Yes, I was taught a lot about what people were really my friends versus those that were hangers-on, but I could've spotted them easily enough-- if I was even concerned about such things. I wasn't.

I'm a very private person about certain aspects of my life.  And it was with that, I'd decided that no one needed to be a part of that portion. Oh, how very wrong I was. From the beginning, I was encouraged to never write things down.  I was given very little "me time." The topic was changed when I'd mention that I felt I needed to write. And I was offered a 'friendly ear' to talk to so that my written words couldn't be 'twisted or misconstrued.'

In hindsight, this relationship was the biggest mistake of my life.  It devastated me personally, and for a while, publicly.  While my feelings for him changed immediately, what did not change is how I'd chosen to handle things.  I still would not write. I still would not talk. I still would do nothing but smile and wish him and his family well. And this is why I feel it was the biggest mistake of my life.  I abandoned everything I knew to be true of myself.

I was conditioned to forget that I am strong.  That I am Fierce.Sexxxy.Strong.  I was conditioned to forget that I am smart.  That I have rights.  That I have power.  That I have ability.  I was conditioned to forget that I do need my friends.  That I do need to write.  That I'm OK.  That I am good. That I am whole, and beautiful.  That I am enough...all on my own. Now don't get me wrong, he told me all of those things-- and often!!! "You are the smartest woman I know!" but two sentences later, it would be contradicted with an, "It confuses me when you do these things..."  Every compliment was countered with something that he didn't like or approve of.  Even my tattoos!  "I love your tattoos!  But now that you have me, you probably won't feel the need to get any more because I love you just the way you are now."

Looking back, I get angry at myself.  How did I let this happen?  How did I let statements like, "Things would be a lot better if you would just learn to listen!" go unchallenged?  When did I forget how to stand my ground?  How did I not notice the conditioning words of control wrapped up in the snug comfort of  'I'll always love you' and 'I will never leave you'?  My relationship with him was calm and comfortable.  Restful.  Peaceful.  And I ran to it.  I ran to it seeking the peace I couldn't find any longer in the life I had. The life he was systematically dismantling so that I would see him as a refuge.  All part of a great master plan. The plan was to regain the lost control over his former life.  And if it took hurting me to do it, he was game.

So when I look back, and I think of all the hours of time and effort he put into saying the words, "I am not like the other men you've had in your life! Trust me! I AM DIFFERENT!!!" I have to laugh.  Because he's right. He's absolutely right!  He was nothing at all like the other men I'd had in my life.  He was different!  As terrible as all the other men were, they never intentionally used me and hurt me.  They may have accidentally done things, may have incidentally done things that hurt me, but I have only been used as a pawn one time. This time. 

So, now that I've gotten over the bewilderment...now that I've found my inner voice once again...I write.  And I can't think of a more fitting first post to write about, than the man who would rather me not write things down.  The man who was different.  The man, who, as it turns out, really isn't a man after all.  Thank you for your part in my journey.  You've taught me so very much about myself, and I'll never doubt it again. I need my friends and love them more than anything.  I will never give them up. I am Fierce.Sexxxy.Strong.  I am smart. I have power and ability.  I am good. I am whole.  I am beautiful. I am enough.  I am unapologetically myself-- and all that goes with it! <3

Now I think I need to make a call to my tattoo artist...  I have a design in mind...

This will always be your song...
So, big boy, you do you ;)  I'mma be juuusssttttt fine :)

Ellie Goulding- Explosions

You trembled like you'd seen a ghost

And I gave in
I lacked the things you need the most,
You said where have you been?

You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried

I've fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I've loved and I've lost
I've loved and I've lost

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me
And I've lost my faith in everything

The nights you could cope,
Your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
'Cause it's simple darling, I gave you warning
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you, in slow motion
I pray that you'll find peace of mind
And I'll find you another time
I'll love you, another time

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same