Days You Can Never Recall

Have you ever missed a person so much that your entire form ached... body and soul?

Sometimes that is how I miss people.  Today is one of those days.  There are several people that I miss like this.  Two very close friends, included.

Although I speak to one of them on a fairly regular basis, I am really missing those intimate moments where we can just enjoy each other's company without interruption. We are so very close that we seem to have developed a nasty habit.  When our lives and schedules are so busy that we not only can't see each other, but also can't find the time to talk to each other meaningfully most evenings, we start to get frustrated.  Unfortunately, that frustration transforms itself into second-guessing and sadly, sometimes finger-pointing and name-calling.  Yes, I realize we are adults, as does he.  However, we both have only one intensity...full-on.

The other night, one of our conversations suddenly devolved into a quagmire of all these bad habits. It was loud, pointed, and hurtful.  It was neither his fault, nor mine.  It was just how things play out during the busy times of our lives.  Even though we know this happens, it still cuts deeply as we start second-guessing meanings and motives.  Keeping score.  Wondering if how we are interpreting what the other has said is really, secretly, what the other one thinks of us.

The arguments are brief.  They are intense.  And, fortunately, aren't usually bad enough to cause damage beyond a day or two of pouting, wound-licking, and a shy skittishness around the other when we next see or talk to each other.  We are fine now, as we usually are.  He's over it completely.  I'm still at the shy, skittish stage.  I'll soon be fine.  In the meanwhile, I am missing him.  Missing our ease.  Our playfulness.  That coziness and comfort that only certain friendships can provide.

Of these two, specific friendships, the other is just as perplexing in an equal and opposite manner.  While I see (long enough to wave, mostly) the first of them nearly three times a week, I haven't seen the other since August...and I do miss him very much... I didn't fully realize how much until last night when he texted me a picture of himself dressed in a tuxedo, preparing to conduct for a concert last night. Tears immediately began streaming down my face: heart ready to burst. I was all at once admiring him, so very proud of him, and missing him so desperately.  I wanted to be there. To support him. To congratulate him. To hug him...to just be with him.

See, when I met him, I knew that he was moving two months from then.  I have attachment issues with people, so usually I wouldn't even bother talking to him.  Thus, saving myself from the hurt and sadness when he left.  It's just how I operate.  For some reason, I couldn't stay away from him.  His personality was enamoring.  He was such an incredible person inside, and he had no idea. When he left, I thought I would be ok, but I wasn't.  Once the requisite three days curled in the fetal position was through, I began to box him up and put him on that little shelf I keep inside me.  The one that I acknowledge is there, but seldom go to visit.  It's where I keep all the memories of all the people I've loved and lost...whether through physical death or relationship death... Not that any of that is a good idea, but as an empath, I have to have some strategies to cope with the emotional traumas of life.  For the most part, this works for me.

He is so much busier in his life right now than I am.  At least his life is busier in a different manner.  I'm still driving a child to practices, games, dances, and the like.  He is single, and has none of those entanglements.  Sadly, he's not much of a talker, either.  Unless we are face-to-face.  Since he is roughly 890+ miles away, it can make things difficult, at best.  His schedule is opposite mine, for the most part.  While my schedule heats up from Thursday through the weekend, that's when his relaxes.  He is not much of a texter...not beyond one or two words or...gods, I hate this... " :-) " to serve as his reply to most anything I send.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not complaining about it. I'm thrilled that he continues to acknowledge me.  Not because I think I don't deserve it or that he's better than I...but because it means that for that brief second or two, we reconnected, and it made us smile. :)

This is the problem with boxes, and distance, and shelving units inside our souls...  When a person gets used to a certain level of distance with little to no communication, it doesn't take much more than the intimacy of a photograph to sometimes (as the friend previously discussed warned) pop the lid off of that box--sending all of those thoughts, feelings, and emotions shooting out all over the place like party snakes.  Which, in all honesty, is precisely how it went, though I'm not sure I'm going to admit it to the previously discussed friend anytime soon. :/

So, why title this Days You Can Never Recall?  Much of my empathic feelings and other abilities are given to me in terms of music from my spirit guides. There was a Billy Joel song out in 1986-87 called This Is The Time.  In it, he discussed "This is the time to remember/ 'Cause it will not last forever/ these are the days to hold onto/ 'Cause we won't although we'll want to"  Basically, a premise of enjoy life while you have it.  However, the passage that keeps getting replayed in my head these last two days is this:
                                       "Sometimes it's so easy
                                       To let a day slip on by
                                       Without even seeing each other at all
                                       But this is the time you'll turn back to and so will I
                                       And those will be days you can never recall..."

That is what it is like with my friends...and so it is with my memories of them.  They are my anchors, and without them, my life is empty.  If I look back to those times when I felt like I was drifting aimlessly among the stars and planets and heavens,  I realize that those are the days that have slipped by without meaningful conversation with them. And those are the days I can never recall... 

Billy Joel- This Is The Time- VEVOAudio